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To become a Stay At Home Mom is to start a new profession - so much to do, but where do you start? On the one hand, more demands are placed on your every waking moment because children (bless them!) are 24/7. On the other hand, you don't have a boss or deadlines the way you had in the workplace, so there's more freedom.
So this free-for-all can seem scary. But there's an opportunity here. You can establish your personal work style. Below are important questions to ask yourself as a new SAHM. Following your instincts on these questions (as opposed to answering what sounds "right," "good," "hip," or "popular") will get you going in the right direction in the SAHMlifestyle. Are you more of a home body or social butterfly? Where you fall on this spectrum will tell you how much you will want to plan for little outings with your little one. If you know ahead of time that you need to be around people to be happy, then join little play groups or MOPS or regularly attend library story hour. Have errands planned out (i.e., Groceries on Tuesday mornings or a walk in the park every afternoon) so that you have something to look forward to. If you are more of a homebody, then make sure you have hobbies, books, and activities that you can do at home to keep your personal life interesting. Do you want advice from others on parenting? If you don't, then don't ask. Once you open this box, it is hard to close. Sure, you're a new mom and have a lot to learn, but beware of unwelcome advice from family, friends, and strangers. Come up with a simple canned response like, "Thanks for your opinion." or just give a blank stare. More Type A or Type B? If you need a schedule, then make one. If you don't, then avoid it. If you're not sure what you are, try both and see what happens! Consider it Research & Development. Are you an early bird or a night owl? Your natural body clock will help you decide when your best time to have personal time and do chores that you prefer to do without kiddos underfoot. Some SAHMs stay up all night to get personal time and regret it the next day because they're exhausted and little Johnny is up at the butt-crack of dawn because that's what 2-year olds do. What do you expect of your husband? How much apart of everyday life (diaper changing, play time, dishes, laundry, etc.) do you expect your husband to participate in? It's wise to be honest and work this out ahead of time. Many husbands resent being left out as much as they do having chores dumped on them. Find a balance. P.S. If you say nothing, much can be interpreted. What's your personal care regime? If you are a prissy girl and need lots of primping time every morning, plan on getting up early and finding fasionable machine-washable clothes. You can make it work, but you'll have to put in the extra effort. If you don't require more than a ponytail with your jeans and t-shirt, that's fine, too. Just know where you're comfortable with your appearance and stick with it instead of falling down the frumpy SAHM black hole. These are just some questions I wish I would have considered when I first became a SAHM. It would have saved me a lot of grief to know myself better from the start. But we all learn, don't we. What do you wish you would have known about yourself that would have made your life as a new SAHM easier?
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Did you go to pre-marital counseling or anything like that when you were engaged? My husband and I did, and it was worth it. I learned a lot about him that I wouldn't have known otherwise. This mentoring relationship we had with another older, wiser couple saved me a lot of grief. The following is the best advice given directly to us when we were engaged:
There you have it! These tips have led to 10 years of a progressively wonderful marriage. What tips do you have for SAHMs-to-be? Comment below. Being a SAHM requires a great amount of power ... Super Power, that is. Just for fun, I compiled a list of super powers that might make my life a little easier. Which powers do you long for?
Super-Stretchy Arms. Elastigirl knew what was up when using her powers for good housekeeping. I've often been stuck in a chair nursing and stretched my arms as far as I could to try to reach for a glass of water or the phone. All to no avail. Stretchy arms are first on my Wish List! Floating. This would be useful when leaving the room once a baby or toddler has drifted off to sleep. How many times have you wished for this, too? Teleportation. I would basically use this as my primary mode of transportation. My husband would be glad because we wouldn't have to buy a second vehicle. Parking would be a breeze, and talk about saving on gas! Very eco-friendly. Physical Duplication. If there were more than one of me, there is a greater likelihood that my house would be cleaner and my hair would look better. Only a chance, though. I'd have to be able to turn the duplicate on and off because, seriously, I'm not willing to share my husband ... even with ... myself. (Not sure if that makes sense.) Super Speed. For all of the unpleasant tasks that SAHMs have to do, like changing poopy diapers, raking the leaves, and mopping floors. The things I just want to get over with as soon as possible. Also, I've always been kind of slow on account of being pigeon-toed and generally un-stealth. Being fast at something other than my multiplication tables would resolve some childhood issues for me. Super Strength. I will use this to open all jars and possibly carry all of my children at one time when trying to exit a building instead of herding them like cats. Invulnerability. To tiredness and illness ... and mood swings. Oh, and chocolate and coffee cravings. These things just make trouble for me when I give in. It's silly to brainstorm what Super Powers I would like, but all in good fun. Have you ever wished for super powers? What would make the top of your list? 1. Exercise. Whether it's early in the morning by yourself or an afternoon walk with the stroller. You need to stay fit for this profession. The endorphins will keep you friendly and feeling like you've taken care of yourself is always a bonus for SAHMs.
2. Have something to look forward to. Whether it's a favorite smoothie on Friday or a 30-minutes of your favorite novel each evening, you've got to have things to keep yourself upbeat and positive. 3. Give the kids chores. My 5-year old and 3 1/2-year old do chores every morning. Make bed. Get dressed. Read. They do it each day on their own. It has to be something age appropriate and something they can do on their own. I used a little chart to initiate this habit. It worked great. Within 2 weeks, they were both doing chores without being told. My 3 1/2-year old will even do all of her chores before coming out of her room in the morning. This has given the kids something productive to do in the mornings while I clean up breakfast and get the baby dressed. 4. Avoid caffeine if at all possible. It seems to have become staple of SAHMing, but caffeine can actually sabotage your SAHMing once the buzz wears off. Moodiness is a major problem for SAHMs who can be pretty isolated anyways. I know this isn't a popular idea, but cut coffee and sodas out or at least limit them to times when you're not caring for the kids later. 5. Get crafty. When the kids are in bed, what do you do? Watch tv? Spend time on the Internet? Do you often go to bed too late wondering why you wasted your time? Maybe you need a project of some kind that you can do at home that you are interested in and that you can see progress with. Women back in the day did quilting, sewing, crocheting. That has unfortunately become nearly a lost art, but it's what they did to use their creative skills and keep themselves busy in the evenings. What's something you've wanted to do? 6. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Avoiding meals (or forgetting, as I used to do) is another way to make yourself crabby. Eating will keep the blood sugar stable and keep you from binging. Have your vegetables and fruits, and make sure you eat enough at each meal. 7. Make chores a game. Time yourself. Race the kids. Play with the time of day you do the chores. Teach the kids to do the chore! Pick a way to spice up a normally boring or problematic household chore. 8. Record your days at home. Many women that I talk to wish they had those days back when their children were little. So many small things happen, too, that we easily forget. Try to record these moments via video, blogging, journaling, photo album, scrap booking, or audio recordings. You could record yourself reading your son's favorite book to him. Set up the camera to automatically take pictures of you while you cook. Write notes on what you love about being a SAHM. This is something you and your kids will treasure. 9. Educate yourself. Have you wanted to know how to cook really well? Do you want to know the proper way to set a table? Have you always wondered if you could plant an herb garden successfully? Why not try? If you're smart enough to run a household, you are smart enough to learn anything you want to that will make your life as a SAHM more interesting. 10. Have some fun. Don't be one of those women who give us SAHMs the reputation of being uptight and boring. Within reason, do things that make you happy. Make faces until your kids bust out in laughter. Play Milli Vanilli really loud and dance around. Rearrange the living room. Bake a triple layer cake. Learn (or re-learn) to do a hand stand. Challenge your husband to a dance off. Come on, lighten up. You can find a way to have fun, can't you? Being a SAHM doesn't need to be boring. I dare say that the amount of satisfaction you experience as a SAHM is only limited to your attitude. Sure, there are times when kids are sick or you're broke, but our attitudes can go a long way in making life bearable, tolerable, or downright enjoyable. Are you bold enough to try any of these tips? Let me know how they turn out!! Last week, I was at my favorite cafe for an afternoon snack with the kids. We were having a great time and I even got my 3-year old to say, "I'm just livin' life, Mommy!" I was relaxed, happy, and in no hurry whatsoever. Then, I get the comment. (I inevitably get a comment from someone when I go out in public because I have three children under 5 and I'm not screaming my head off.)
The guy (whom I gathered was a lawyer) asks snottily. "Are these all yours?" To which I simply replied, "Yes." "Oh, you must be really busy,” he adds. Then he trots off to get a refill on his crappachino. His comment didn't hurt my feelings, but I was thinking, 'This guy doesn't know what he talking about.' When the cafe waitress, Megan, was busily setting chairs and tables out onto the patio, I pitched in and helped while the kids watched. (Megan was a little stressed and had let me in early because I'm a dork and didn't realize the change in Summer Hours.) Then, my two oldest ones helped, too, without me asking. This lawyer guy seemed touched. After the heavy lifting was done (and he didn't offer to help, btw), he started to ask me the stats on my youngest (1.5 years, 24 lbs, running, favorite words "NO!" and "TRASH"). As it turns out, the lawyer has a 1-year old as well, and even though it was Wednesday, he had only seen his son twice that week. The 80-hour workweek was making him feel really guilty about his fathering, while wearing him out in the process. He said that his wife started at home with their son, but soon went back to work and his mother-in-law keeps the baby now. (I was thinking that she was probably felt like a single parent with all the hours he was working.) He also added that his mom was a SAHM and that he wishes his son would have his mom at home, too. To make himself feel better about the situation, he suggested that maybe I was really worn out with the kids. Nope. I'm actually really happy. This caught him off guard. In fact, I told him that I've started a little online business to tell other SAHMs what's working and not working for me. I then said that I was compelled to start the business because of my bachelor's in business and communications, my master's in marriage & family counseling, and my experience as a SAHM. I am enthusiastic about being a SAHM! I want other SAHMs to be, too! Plus, I'm really not into jumping through someone else's hoops, so I "invented" being a consultant for SAHMs instead of going through supervision, limited license, and full license for counseling. Well, this seemed to get the guy's attention. He sat while I stood in front of him telling him that he had other options. I then launched into a great seminar regarding online businesses, sheeple, lifestyle design, and of course, Tim Ferriss' The 4-Hour Workweek. I assured the lawyer (who is my age) that he didn't need to bust his hind-end working to make someone else rich while he misses out on his kid growing up and ignoring his wife until she gets fed up and leaves him. He was hanging on every word, repeated "The 4-Hour Workweek" at least 7 times, and said, "Wow, thanks. I'm going to check in to that!" So even though I went from the overly reproductive housewife to the SAHM that schooled him in the middle of our local cafe, there was no malice or haughtiness in my approach to this lawyer. I've pretty much settled my "I'm just a SAHM" issues and I could see that the guy was running the lawyer hamster-wheel trying to get ahead in life. I don't need to defend myself. And I'm glad that I wasn't defensive because I would have missed an opportunity to really talk with someone about being a SAHM and running your life the way you want to. I hope that he jumps off the hamster wheel sooner rather than later because he'll never be able to get these years back when his child is little, his wife loves him, and he has his health and ability to do something else. |