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There are times in my married life when I feel disconnected with my husband. Sometimes it’s because he’s been gone on a week-long business trip. Other times it’s because we've just been too busy with our four kids. If we’re not mindful, life can get in the way of our relationship. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m going to tell you how to know if you are disconnected with your man and then how to fix it.
I usually know that I’m feeling disconnected with my husband because I tend to pick fights and get irritated with little things that normally wouldn't bother me. I’m like that naughty 8-year old boy that fights with the kids he wants to be friends with – just to get on their radar. Negative attention is better than none, right? Wrong.
That nit-picking that I do when I’m feeling distant from my man just puts more distance between us. He doesn’t want to sit and listen to me go on and on about Craftsman style homes when I’ve been nagging him about watching the kids. He doesn’t want to kiss and cuddle when I’ve basically had my claws out all evening. (True? Very true.)
I want to take just a moment and slide over to a side bar here with you. Just because you are feeling distant from your husband, it doesn’t mean that he is also. And vise versa. He could be missing you, and you don’t even know it. Also, note to self: Your husband may “reconnect” with you differently than you reconnect with him. I usually need to talk. My husband usually needs time together. (That’s a love language thing, I guess.)
Back to work. Do you have “warning signs” that you and your man are starting to drift apart? Do you fight more? Simply don’t talk? Does the romance level go down? How do you measure closeness and distance in your marriage?
So, if you are mentally mapping your marriage right now, and find that maybe the two of you aren’t as close as you’d like, now let’s talk about what you can do to fix it.
For me, I usually have to tell my husband, “Honey, I’m feeling disconnected with you. I really need time to talk with you, uninterrupted. Can we fit a half hour in tonight after the kids are in bed?” Anytime I say that, my husband is willing to listen. He just doesn’t know by instinct that I need that time with him.
I’d also advise you to let your husband know that you need to connect with him in a way that will not put your husband off as another thing he has to do for you. This is more coming from a place of closeness and intimacy and needing your man to be your man.
So first, you have to let him know that you want to be close to him, and need time with him. If you don’t outright tell him you need to reconnect with him, don’t expect it to happen.
Second, when you have the time to sit down with him (or do whatever it is you need to do), use that time wisely. Make sure you communicate that you miss him and love him, not as a needy and whiney pre-teen, but as a grown woman that loves her man. Don’t use this time to complain about him or anyone else. Make it positive so that next time you feel disconnected, he’ll be happy to reconnect.
Sometimes, reconnecting means romantic time alone. I get that. All married couples need that time. So set that up for after talking just to physically bond. (I don’t think I’ll get many arguments from husbands out there.) Not to over-generalize, but I think most men would pick “romance” as the way they reconnect with their wives.
So, as a gift to him, because you love him and he listens to you when you need to talk or brings you gifts or loves you the way you need to be loved, do this for him: let him know you want him and then follow it up with action.
Do you need to reconnect with your husband? If so, what can you do tonight to re-engage him (nicely, sweetly) where both of you feel closer by the time the sun comes up tomorrow? Comment below and share your thoughts with the rest of us. We’d love to learn from you and your wisdom. If this post was helpful to you, subscribe to my newsletter and learn more ways to rock it as a Stay at Home Mom.
10/11/2012 11:28:32 am
Hey, that was some good advise and i think it works. As we were approaching our anniversary my husband kept asking what I wanted to do, I kept blowing him off. Finally, on a Friday after work, i walked into the house and said "Let's go" and we packed and were out of the house in less then a half hour. We drove to the east side of the state to see the sun rise then drove around to the west side of the state to see the sun set. Spending two nights away turned out to be relaxing and we spent the time trying to remember things that has happened in our 40 years of marriage. I think that you are doing a great job with your web site and the newsletters should be just what the doctor ordered.Many women will benefit from your creative ideas and be thankful that there is someone out there who is willing to help. Good Work
10/11/2012 10:19:37 pm
Hi Karen! Thanks for your great comment! I really love your story about you and your husband's anniversary trip. (Congratulations, by the way!) I bet you could teach us all a thing or two! Thanks for stopping by the blog.
5/1/2014 07:45:56 pm
I want so badly to reconnect with my husband. But I'm not sure exactly how to get past the fact that he blames me for us not having money. he works really hard and do we make pretty good money but we have lots of bills and I pay the bills and then we're basically broke..... well then he blames me. I never buy anything for myself, never splurge on anything without talking to him. I'm not the best housekeeper I keep the house clean but not spotless there is always some dirty dishes laying around (we have two teens) but not tons of them. He feels like he works for nothing, he doesn't get appreciated, he doesn't come home to a clean house and he never has money to spend on what he wants to spend on and I don't exactly know what to do. what I really want to do is just pack up and leave for a week let him see what its like and see what I really do everyday, taking care of the kids, making their lunches, making dinner, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom.... I don't think that he realizes what I do and I don't know how to show him?
7/25/2015 09:27:36 am
I feel my husband and I have grown apart, I have been in Eric Martin three times due to having a break down, how do I get to a better place with him. We have been married for fifty years so I don't want us to separate. Please give me some help.
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