Yesterday I was at McDonald's talking with an old man in his 80s named Charlie. Every Sunday morning I see him there. I go to write. He goes to socialize.

So, as usual, he wants to know what I'm writing about. I tell him I'm writing about Stay at Home Moms being jealous of their husbands. "Why would they be jealous?" he wants to know. And my words flowed so eloquently and clearly. It surprised me. 

I explained to Charlie that women in my generation are raised to get good grades, go to college, start a good career, and later meet another professional man who has his crap together, and get married after first planning the entire thing on Pinterest. Then, after a few years, have one or two children and go back to work. Continue to be fabulous and rich. Sounds pretty good.

But when women raised with this mindset then decide to stay home and raise their children, foregoing the career, something bad happens. Even though it's their choice to be home, these intelligent, driven women become jealous of their husbands! It can get ugly.

The husband is living the life these SAHMs envisioned for themselves! (And they blame their husbands for taking it away from them! Oops!) 

This happened to me.  We moved out of state for a better job for my husband. No biggie. I'm usually up for adventure. Once we got here, though, his career really started gaining speed. He got promotions, was wined and dined, and very much respected by his coworkers. It seemed like he was really growing up and becoming a man. I liked it, but something wasn't sitting right with me. I began picking fights with him or demanding to "get some time to myself" more and more often. I don’t tend to be an envious person or one who lives with regret, but there have been times when I’ve been flat out jealous of my husband. 

This jealousy used to be a big problem for me and my marriage. Only, I didn’t know it at the time! I thought the problem was my husband and whatever he was doing at the moment that might be really irritating me. I was dancing around the real issue. I assumed that having a career was the only way to develop as an adult. I assumed that I was stuck, and he was free. I assumed that being a mother and raising them was subpar and ignorant. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, because then I’d have to do something about it.

I was wrong.

I compared this hot mess of today's SAHMs with women in Charlie's generation. They were raised to take care of a husband and children. They knew what was going to be expected of them when they grew up. To a great degree, they got exactly what they envisioned. The downside is that they didn't much get a choice in the matter. The upside is that they were prepared for what life had for them. I wonder if they were better able to deal with it. I wonder if it was actually better.

SAHMs today - we look at our husband with jealous eyes sometimes. We think that we should be the ones making money, going out in the world being important, and using our degrees. It's easy to forget our original reasons for being home when we're looking out the window at our husband leaving home and doing work, while we think we are going nowhere. I know, I know ... we're doing work, too. 

Yes, I held an 82-year old man captive for 20 minutes while I rattled this off. It felt good. Then last night I came up with some ideas on how to snap out of this jealous fit. First, some Gin Blossoms to get us in the mood!

So this jealousy is a problem. What do we do about it? First, I think we need to admit that we're jealous. That's is a big first step. If your husband isn't a total boob, tell him about it. Be honest. He might even be flattered, or admit that he has been jealous of you being able to stay home. Who knows! 

Second, I'd challenge the reasons we're jealous. Are they true? Or is it just assuming that the grass is greener on the corporate side of the fence? It might not be. Are you really up for cut throat competition? Do you want to miss out on the attachment parenting that you love so much? Can you bear another woman holding your child when he cries? (Whoa, that just got real, yo.)

Third, I'd find something reasonable and doable that you can work on that makes use of your degree, talents, or interests. Maybe that's researching who really built the pyramids, re-reading all the classics from your American Lit course in college, or sending your breastmilk to babies in Africa whose mothers died of AIDS. 

I'm telling you. You can still do important, intelligent, meaningful things for the world outside your front door. (Just please, don't forget about the kids you have inside your front door in this quest to redeem your place in this world!) 

What about you? Don't be shy. Can you relate to my feelings of jealousy towards the man in your life? What have you done that helped? If you're not jealous, what ideas do you have for other SAHMs to cure the green eyed monster?

_ Zach, my favorite taxi driver in Boston, is from Morocco. While driving me from Cambridge to my hotel in the business district, he asked me what my presentation at Harvard was about. I told him that it was about Stay at Home Mothers. Boy, did he get excited about that! He spent the next twenty minutes telling me that his mother stayed home and that she was always happy about it. He never remembers his parents fighting about her staying home. He never remembers his mother talking about feeling unfulfilled at home. In the USA, he noticed, women do not seem to want or like to stay home. That seemed strange to him.

The last thing Zach asked me was my opinion on the role of the father in the household with a SAHM. What a good question! I said that I think any SAHM that is really good at what she does most likely has a husband that is really happy that she’s home. I think the husband provides for his family’s financial needs, but he is so much more than that. He looks out for everyone in the family. He is strong, yet loving. He doesn’t need to strong-arm anyone to follow him. He’s respected, listened to, and fair. I think he sets the example of expected behavior in the family. Ultimately, it is his family. That was my take, anyway. Let’s look more into your husband’s role in your family.

Your Man's Role 

Zach and I talked a lot about the husband's role in a family with a SAHM. Zach highlighted the man's financial support of  the family, and no one can deny the importance of that. But what else is there to being a man in this day and age, with a wife and children at home? What kind of pressures, worries, and demands are there? What kinds of joys, dreams, and goals are there?

There are very few more responsible roles a man can have apart from being a husband and father. Sure, there’s a king, president, CEO, Emergency room doctor, or wild rapids tour guide. I think those are pretty responsible jobs. But a husband and father (especially one that is completely providing for his family) has more at stake than those other guys. It’s his most loved ones’ material well-being on his shoulders.

While many people see SAHMs as a dying breed, it’s worth mentioning that her husband is also a rare find as well. We see all kinds of TV shows and movies where men are trying to get out of commitment and responsibility. Boy, do I hate seeing that - especially since I have three boys. Do you want your sons growing up thinking that nothing is expected (or wanted) from them?

Personally, I think it takes a real man to commit to a wife and children on this level. Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a real man. (Note: I don’t think that men whose wives work are not real men. Sometimes circumstances trump desire and wives have to work. Or maybe the wife doesn't want to stay home.  But if given the choice, and the man says, “Yah, I want you to stay home and take care of all of us. I will take care of you financially.” I think that says a lot about that man’s character.)

If you're a SAHM, let your husband know what a real man he is! Appreciate what he does for you - and how you think his rogue social status is MANLY!

I'm on Pinterest. Are you?

I like it so very, very much! Are you curious about what I'm pinning on Pinterest? What in the world could a SAHM like? 

http://pinterest.com/sahmconsulting/ 

Check it out. Tell me what you think!

If I could go back in time and give myself advice as a new SAHM, what would I say?

Relax, the kids will be okay. I have been known to be pretty tight-lipped when it comes to mothering. I've also been known to get stressed-out over small matters. I worry too much. I think my kids are pretty well-adjusted, but I can see a bit of over-cautiousness in my oldest - and I know it's from me.

I'd for sure tell myself to enjoy this time, because it goes by so fast. My oldest just lost his fourth baby tooth today (he's 6), while my youngest (6 months) is getting his first two teeth in. It's strange how quickly time flies. My oldest, it seems, was a baby just yesterday!

Laugh. My husband and children really light up when I laugh. In fact, they seem quite delighted with themselves when they can get me to crack up. My laugh is music to their ears.

My attitude is key. I've noticed that if I'm in a foul mood, it's likely that everyone else will be, too. I get short-tempered and suddenly all of the kids get into trouble. My husband is annoyed. The kitchen is a wreck. If I could find ways to improve my attitude, many of my days would go better. I've heard Dr. Laura suggesting that SAHMs put a playlist of upbeat music on the iPod and play that when feeling frazzled. I think it's a good suggestion.

Sit on the floor with the kids and play with them. They flock to me when I sit on the floor. Wrestling, stories, blocks, and dolls are always brought out. Kids sit on my lap. I'm at their level. If I stay on the floor with them, I remain focused on them and not distracted by chores, emails, or phone calls. I can tell that my children really enjoy when I get on the floor with them.

Sleep train your kids at an early age. I kept the hours of a baby each time one of our kids were born and then for the first year of their lives. This was because I would nurse on demand - and then nurse them to sleep. That included co-sleeping and restless nights (for baby, me, and my husband). I would also get pretty irritated during the day when I had to have a baby at the breast whenever it was naptime. It limited what I could do - 24/7. So, I strongly suggest The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West as the go-to book on gently sleep training children.

Play outside with the kids and teach them about the world. Hikes, drives, playtime at the park, gardening, or just playing in the backyard. I've really enjoyed telling the kids about the trees, the seasons, plants, animals, and clouds. I've noticed they aren't scared of chickens or picking up worms like I am. I see a strength in their curiosity about nature. I also let them go ahead and get dirty. (I just have clean clothes sitting by the back door for them to change into when they come in.) I feel like I'm passing on wisdom that I gained from my Grandpa Joe - especially when I quiz them later on what I had taught them.

Being inside so much isn't good for SAHMs! When I'm inside too long, I get a small view of the world. I get restless and irritated. When I go outside, I seem to be calmer, more happy, and don't care if the kids get all dirty (or if i do). When I garden or hike, it grounds me and helps me keep perspective - I'm just one part of this big world.

Learn (and do) a system to get my household chores done in the morning. Women long ago, like Ma on Little House on the Prairie, had specific days to do each of her big chores. She had those girls helping, too. There was no, "I don't feel like washing laundry today." Sometimes I feel like such a ninny. Ma would be ashamed of me.

So, those are some of my ideas on advice to myself as a new SAHM. Here are other mothers' advice to themselves. What would you tell yourself?h

(For more New SAHM tips, see here and here.)

You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends. Just be careful either way! Ya, I can't resist a good nose-picking joke. Sorry.

So, many of us SAHMs don't have many friends. Let's face it. It's not we're a bunch of anti-social wall flowers. I'll admit, I'm guilty of this, too. I guess I don't have a lot of extra time to invest in friendships. (Remember, time is the key ingredient to making any relationship work.)

But if you seem to find yourself with time on your hands, and you're thinking about picking up a friend or two, what do you need to keep in mind?

Pursue:

• Pick friends and acquaintances that are smarter than you. Forget about a "I'm the dummy" complex before it even starts. The point is to be around people who inspire you to grow and stretch your potential. Good friends make us better SAHMs.
  
• Allow yourself only friends that support you as a SAHM. If they sabotage you (i.e., make you feel bad or ashamed of being a SAHM), they aren't healthy. And that means they are not friends. You may need to remove yourself, physically or emotionally, from the negative relationships that sabotage your job as a SAHM.
• Women that bring out the best in you. Friends are supposed to be fun!
• Other SAHMs (to begin with). They "get" what your life is like. Plus, there will be other kids around to keep your kids busy while you chat.
• Somebody you'd be ok with your kids being around from time to time. Being a SAHM, there are many times that kids are with you during social calls. If you're comfortable with this person being around your precious little ones, then that's a good thing.
  

Stay Away From:

• Friendships with people with whom you feel compelled to compete with. This is a waste of time. Just relax. You can't judge yourself based on your house, your figure, or your children's accomplishments. This is shallow and self-defeating.
• People who have addictions to drugs o. You just don't need to invite that into your life.
  
• Stay at Home Dads. I'm not sexist or anything, but in my experience with Stay at Home Dads, the "working spouses" don't seem to appreciate this dynamic. Is it a little too cozy? On the other hand, my husband has women coworkers and I don't go bonkers. There seems to be different criterion when mixing SAHMs and SAHDs. I don't know, but it hasn't worked for me. Maybe you and your husband are more liberated.
  
• Women that just want to gossip about others. It's a waste of time, especially when you're wanting to improve yourself as a SAHM.
  
• People you feel compelled to fix, save, or mentor. It will become a one-sided relationship and take more than you receive. I did this a couple of times in my twenties, and I ended up getting involved in stuff that I had no business being involved in. I ended up quietly distancing myself from women who were already in rough shape emotion-wise. I really regret it.
  
• Refrain from being someone's side-kick. This is different from being a friend. If you are looking for a mentor, then go into the relationship with that intention and definition and ask the woman specifically to be your mentor. But mixing a girl-crush and friendship is a deadly combination.
• Don't confuse acquaintance with friendship. The first is essentially a stranger whose name you know. The other is someone you can trust. Be careful about sharing too much personal information with someone you don't really know. You never know where it will end up - and that kind of information has to be earned over time.
  

So, what kind of criterion do you have for a potential friend?

This song is stuck in my head. Maybe it's because my 2-year-old says in a low voice, "Everyday I'm Shufflin." (It's so cute.) It could be because my husband tries to dance like the people in the video - and it simply delights me!! I even love the look on his face when he's bopping around and smiling at me to see how hard I'm going to laugh (or snort-laugh).But seriously, are you Shufflin' everyday? Sometimes I feel like I am - but with much less enthusiastic dance moves ... and certainly without the 90's fashion flashback. (I'm not cool enough to pull that off.) All SAHMs can feel like we're stuck in a monotonous, hypnotized pattern of the SAHMlifestyle. It goes something like this:

Feed them
Clean them up
Change/dress them
Entertain and/or referee playtime
Feed them
Clean them up
Change them
Get them to sleep
Entertain and/or referee playtime
Feed them
Clean them up
Change them
Get them to sleep
Call it a day!

The shuffle can seem mindless. It's completely up to us if we want to be stuck. So instead of breaking out our clothes from the 90's, let's mix things up.  Add some New Kids on the Block, MC Hammer, or Wilson Phillips. (BTW, I totally loved the Wilson Phillips bit in the Bridesmaids movie! Hilarious!!) Take the kids to the park, sit them down on the floor and teach them how to do the Running Man, or invent a dessert. Let them go roll in mud puddles - and join them. I mean, we can have fun with this SAHM gig.

What are you going to do to keep from Shufflin' Everyday? Comment below!

When I was in Guyana, South America, I was very impressed with the missionary's wife. She was the kind of woman I'll never forget. It wasn't her beauty or quick wit that made her unforgettable. It was her character. She is the caliber of woman I aspire to be. Integrity, grace, kindness, perseverance, strong work ethic, competent, and self-controlled. The whole package.

Here's when I saw it.

One humid morning I saw Kris walking in her cinder-block-walled-off backyard. Flanked on either side of her were two huge guard dogs. These canines came up to her hips when on all fours. The missionary family actually kept the dogs in a kennel on the shaded section of the property during the day so that none of the house guests would be harmed by the dogs. They were working dogs. Because of that, we were sternly instructed to stay in our bunk house after dark. The dogs were then released from the kennel to guard the property.

All that to say, these dogs could (and were trained to be) viscous or even deadly. I heeded the warning and didn't go near them!

But to see Kris, this kind and gentle, yet strong and honorable woman walking quietly and confidently as these two dogs obediently followed alongside her that morning to be fed, was amazing. It's a sight I've remembered more than a decade since I saw it.

When I think of this quiet confidence in the midst of situations (or dogs) that seem terrifying, I wonder if we, as SAHMs, can handle the tough days with the same kind of integrity Kris showed. Heck, she was even in a foreign country and showing immense personal strength. It's women like Kris that inspire me to continue improving myself, and to encourage other SAHMs to join me.